Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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