Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
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