i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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