she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
They have beer where we have blood.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
