I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
