I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Randomize
