I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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