my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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