Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
