Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Randomize
