There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
