So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
