Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
