Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
i came on her dog
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
They took my balls.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Randomize
