Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
