Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
