My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
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