And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Randomize
