genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
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