A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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