So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Randomize
