I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize