If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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