i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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