i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
