today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize