I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Randomize
