I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
