I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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