I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
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