I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
