But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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