from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Randomize
