we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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