I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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