There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
