i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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