Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
