The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
