just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
