Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Randomize
