Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
