New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
