so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
