My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize