last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
