she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Randomize
