i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
