all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
