True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Randomize
