i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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