An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
