TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
