I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
