I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
