pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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