i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I'm just crazy horny about you
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
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